Time.

I’ve been thinking a lot about time lately. How much time I have left and how I want to spend that time. How my time is finite on this earth.

In all honesty (and I will always be honest with you readers) I have always thought a lot about time. I have felt like I haven’t had enough time since my high school days. As an A++ overachiever, which is what my social worker/therapist refers to me as, there wasn’t enough time for school work + cross country/track + babysitting + dance.

To give you an idea of how intense I was even as an adolescent – I sacrificed my lunch period so I could take both acting and choir along with all my required classes during my freshman year of high school. I mean really, come on, thats just excessive. I didn’t even enjoy either of those classes that much! Certainly not more than I enjoy food!

If I could go back and give myself some advice I would say “you have nothing to prove, don’t push yourself so hard… enjoy your life!” I could go on about how there didn’t feel like enough time in college or medical school or residency, but honestly I just don’t feel like it. It would probably be boring for you to read and for me to write.

Furthermore, since we are on the topic of time, I don’t know how much time I have to write this blog entry before my sweet boy wakes up. I actually started writing this yesterday morning, but my baby boy woke up two sentences in. I never found the time in the day to return to writing.

How do I think about time now? Ironically, it feels endless to me now. This is counterintuitive I know, since if you read my first entry you know my life expectancy is about 1 – 2 years. But, for the first time since I was a child I am spending my time the way that I want to. How fortunate! There are very few people on this earth who has the means to do this. Please let that sink in.

My days now consist of rolling around on the floor with my son laughing and playing with blocks. It includes play dates with close friends and their children. My husband and I go on walks with our son in the stroller every evening that the weather permits. I am on the precipice looking out into the abyss, but I am living my life. My time feels like it did when I was a child – mine to do with what I want.

Of course, I am still a mom, so there isn’t enough time to ever get caught up with the laundry or dishes. But, who cares? I’m alive and I know love.

This seems like a good place to stop for now. Who knows how much time I have before my baby wakes up? I’m going to enjoy that time to myself.

Until next time dear readers. Don’t forget, you can follow me on twitter @reluctantoptim. Love and light to you all.