I got it from my mama

I went live with this blog a little over 24 hours ago and I have been floored by the outpouring of love and support that I have received since then. Wow! Thank you! It means the world to me!

Some of you dear readers have praised me for my writing, which is wonderful to hear and read. It is also slightly surprising, because I’m pretty sure I never learned grammar? I straight up have no recollection of learning grammar during my childhood or adolescence. I know that must be wrong. Fellow Norfeldt Elementary School, King Philip Middle School, and Hall High School alum, please tell me that my memory is wrong. I mean we must have been taught grammar!

Anyways, grammar aside, I can write because as the title says “I got it from my mama.” Those who knew my mom, Carolyn, knew she was a talented writer. She occasionally had a column in the Hartford Courant. In one of them she wrote about using pesticides on lawns. For those of you that remember her, you may recall that this really riled her up! I was raised never to walk on a lawn that used pesticides! It probably would give me cancer!

Well, fuck. I got it anyways, but cancer isn’t the topic of today’s post. Not really.

No judgment to anyone who uses pesticides on their lawn. My mom wouldn’t approve, but I don’t have strong feelings on the topic. Although, if you do use pesticides on your lawn, I will not walk on the grass. I was raised not to!

Honestly, she may not have even written an article on this… I think she did but when I google her name the only article that shows up is “Literacy Program Helps Adults Read, Succeed.” If you are interested in reading this article, this is the link.

Now, she was a beautiful writer! She was also a beautiful person – inside and out. At some point, I will talk about being a BRCA1 Mutant and how I also got that from my mama, as well as my mama’s mama. But, today, I just want to talk about how awesome my mom was.

She was really fucking awesome. Side note, she would certainly not approve of how much I am swearing in this blog, or in general. A good friend told me that my son’s first word will be fuck. Hopefully it won’t. I have started to spell out swears when I say them now. I still get that nice emotional release, but hopefully my son won’t swear excessively like his mama does.

Okay, back to my mom. Have you noticed I get distracted a lot! My mom was the best. She was loving and kind. From as long as I can remember I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to be a writer like her and a mother like her.

I was an anxious child and have grown into an anxious adult, but she would always know how to calm me down. All she had to do was say “everything is going to be okay” and I would immediately relax. I knew at the end when she was very sick and she didn’t say this that things for the first time really weren’t okay.

All of my best attributes, I believe, I got from her. I am kind, because she was kind. She truly wanted to help others. My dad told me that once she received an inheritance check for about $1,000. Instead of spending it on herself, she donated it all. Dad, if you are reading this, I got a lot of awesome attributes from you as well.

When my mom got sick she started writing a book. It was never published. I don’t think she ever finished it. I have read a few pages of it years and years ago. It was beautiful, just like all of her writing was.

My mom taught me one simple lesson about writing. “Write from the heart.” I’ve noticed that I am happy with my writing every time I follow this advice.

It has taken a lot of therapy and time to make peace with my mom’s death. You know, as much as you can make peace with your mom dying when you are eleven years old.

Although, I am not religious, I am spiritual. Bleh, I’m such an annoying millennial! The way I think about it is this. My mom died, but she lives on in me. In some of my mannerisms, in my appearance, and in my actions.

When she died a little piece of her remained in my heart. And honestly, I think a little piece of my heart went with her, wherever she may be. That is why my heart hurt so much when she left. Part of it was ripped away to go be with her. That way we are always together; always connected.

Moms, you will understand this. On a visceral level; you know this. When my son was first born it felt like a part of myself was living outside of my body. I think that is how most mom’s feel. I’m sure that was how my mom felt.

Let’s leave it at that. Love and light to you all.

Also, for those of you that personally reached out, thank you thank you thank you! I loved it all! I will get back to you, but I typically like to write something meaningful back and that takes a bit of time! I truly appreciate it all, though!

More love and light to you all. Remember, you can follow me on Twitter @reluctantoptim.