I am The Reluctant Eternal Optimist

Welcome back, dear readers. It has been a week since I last posted, which at least for me, feels like a long time! My baby boy was not sleeping well this past week, so I was using my free time (aka his nap time) to sleep instead of write.

Furthermore, the prednisone induced mania has completely worn off, so I am not suffering from insomnia at the moment. I am both happy and bummed about this. I like my sleep, but I also like being productive and having energy. If I could have any superpower it would be to not need sleep – so that tells you a lot about my priorities right there. Note, that with this superpower I could still sleep if I wanted to, but I wouldn’t require sleep for energy. Wouldn’t that be great!

Anyways, I thought that now might be a good time to introduce myself to you all. I am still guessing that most of you know me personally, however I know that at least a few of you have never met me, which is so cool! I’ll nerd out about that later, though.

Without any further ado… I am the reluctant eternal optimist. Nice to meet you all.

Why am I reluctant to be eternally optimistic? Because, oftentimes I think it would be easier to be pessimistic. Which, is why I have flirted with pessimism throughout my thirty one years on this planet. Many of you who know me might even be surprised to see that I am actually quite optimistic.

But, I am. I think that things will typically work out. I think it is really hard to irrevocably ruin your life. I don’t think that it is over until it’s over. I also think that most people are good. I am pretty sure this is just my innate way of being.

I remember when my mom was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I honestly (and probably naively) thought that it would turn out to be for the best. My family would have a newfound appreciation for each other. This experience would bring us all closer. It seemed as though my mom would survive, so no harm no foul right?

Well she did not survive and it fucking sucked. That is when I started my on again off again relationship with pessimism. I also became intimately involved with pain, sadness, and grief at that time. Unfortunately, depression tagged along as well and remained with me for years to come.

After my mom died, I trained myself not to cry. How I was able to do this I do not know. But, I repeatedly told myself that there was no point in crying if no one was there to comfort you. Of course, just because my mom had died didn’t mean there was no one there to comfort me. I still had my two older brothers and my dad. But, that’s besides the point, and it also wasn’t the same. They weren’t my mom.

It took me years and years to be able to cry again. For those of you reading this – I do not recommend this at all! Crying is healthy!! It does not make you weak. It can be cathartic. It is a healthy way of releasing your emotions. Go watch a sad movie and cry! My go to movie for when I need a good cry is Life as a House with Kevin Kline and Hayden Christensen. Even if you don’t need or want a good cry it is an amazing movie and you all should watch it! I highly recommend it!

But again, I digress. One might think that being diagnosed with cancer at such a young age would make me pretty angry. I mean, yeah, part of me is pissed off. But for the most part I just feel this overwhelming sense of clarity and gratitude.

There is something eye-opening about being reminded of your mortality; of having this awareness of your fragility that makes you appreciate life more. Or at least that is how it has been for me.

I feel like I just get it now. I get what is important. Love is important.

I love my life. I love my family. I love my village of people that I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by. I love all of you for reading this blog and bearing witness to this journey that is my life.

I get that I still have so much to be grateful for. I don’t have to worry about where my next meal will come from or where I will sleep at night. I know that I am safe in my day to day life. I don’t even have to go to work for all of this! My husband goes to work and I get to stay at home with my baby boy all day.

Plus, I reluctantly am still optimistic. It would probably be easier if I wasn’t. My heart sinks every time I get bad news regarding my diagnosis/prognosis. But, I honestly just can’t help but feel hopeful.

I think it will be fine. And, even if it isn’t fine and I die, I honestly think it will still be okay. I don’t know. I just do. As my wise older brother says, it’s all just carbon anyways.

As I write this, I realize now that maybe I am not too reluctant about eternally being optimistic. But, it is too good of a title for a blog, so I’m not going to change it now!

That’s it for now dear readers. I’m going to go enjoy the rest of my evening. I hope you all reading this enjoy the rest of your day as well. As always, love and light to you all.

Now that I am done with my course of prednisone, I will probably be posting more sporadically. My goal is to still do at least one post a week, but if you want to know when I post a new entry please add yourself to get email updates for this. Also, I seem to be reaching my new equilibrium with my new medication – the extreme exhaustion I wrote about last week seemed to be more from a crash that resulted from finishing my prednisone taper than from my new medication. Yay! The aches and pains I have been having have seemed to subside as well. But, you could all probably tell I’m feeling better by the tone of this blog entry! More love and light to you all!