Acceptance or the lack thereof

Today I was part of a panel at the hospital I trained at where we talked about what it is like to care for our own. I served as the token sick patient. That’s not what today’s blog is about, though.

It was lovely to see so many familiar faces and catch up with old friends. I wanted to be done with residency so badly, but whenever I go back to visit I always linger. These are my people. They are part of my wonderful village.

I was talking to one of my close friends after the panel was over and I mentioned to her that it might be incongruent for people to see me talking nonchalantly about my impending death and my horrible prognosis. She agreed that maybe that was the case, but she also candidly said to me “well I don’t think you have actually accepted that you are going to die.”

Some people might not appreciate this kind of comment, but I find it refreshing, especially when it comes from this specific person. We are very open and honest with each other and I know she has my best interest at heart, so it makes it easy to discuss difficult things like my impending doom. This past year has also made me better at holding my own and being honest with my thoughts and feelings.

I’ve been thinking about what she said all day. And she is right. I haven’t accepted that I am going to die. Logically I know it is a real and more than likely outcome. I know all the statistics. I also know, that if I am an outlier it is more likely in the bad way than the good way. My cancer cells have barely been slowed down by any treatment thus far, so if you look at the bell curve for where I probably lie, it’s likely closer to the shorter life expectancies.

Logically your brain can know something, but that doesn’t mean you feel it.

And, honestly I think that is ok. At least for now. I think it is OK to not have accepted my likely fate. I think if and when I accept it I will no longer be able to function in the day to day. And while I physically can function in the day to day I have to make sure that mentally I am able to do so as well.

A life without hope is to be enveloped in darkness and despair. Countless people in the world sustain so much suffering and trauma, but where there is hope a person can persist. At least in my experience. On the days where I have very little hope, I am not functioning anywhere near my best. Fortunately, these typically coincide with days that I physically am non-functional as well.

I don’t know if I will ever accept my fate. I think it is one thing to be ready to die when you have lived a long and full life. But, to die when you are just starting out, I don’t know how one could accept that. I really can’t.

That doesn’t mean it won’t happen, though. What I want has ultimately no control over my outcome. I am well aware of this.

Does it matter, though? If I accept the reality of the situation? Honestly, I don’t think so. It won’t change much. I will still make rational decisions. I may push treatment too far, but at the end of the day it is my physicians’ job to not prescribe chemotherapy if my body cannot handle it. And for now, I am handling it OK.

I admitted to my friend and told her that she is 100% right. Side note, she typically is. I haven’t accepted it. But, she agreed with me that for now that is OK.

That is all for now dear readers. Until next time. Love and light to you all.