Untitled and unorganized

Welcome back dear readers. Well, it is really me who is “back”. According to my statistics on wordpress.com it has been 11 days since I last posted! Well, you guys, I have been busy. Busy taking care of my lovely son. Busy living my life. Busy just BEING!

As I type this I am sitting on the couch in my basement. My orange/white cat is meowing. My family is all sleeping upstairs. I have the baby monitor nearby so I can go get my baby boy in case he wakes up and needs to be rocked back to sleep.

Life is good. I’m listening to the latest album by Vampire Weekend as I type these words. Smiley face emoji.

Just to give you all a heads up – this isn’t going to be my best post. I just want to let you all know that I am still here. For now, if it takes me some time to post, it is because I am busy enjoying my life. Being a normal wife, mom, and human being. Enjoying being alive and spending time with close friends and family.

One of my favorite things about having cancer – and yes there are some perks even to cancer – is that all my loved ones have wanted to gather around me. If we all just lived life like we are on the precipice of life and death, then I think we would all do things slightly differently. Of course we are all on that precipice. Most people just don’t have that constant reminder, like I do

Anyways, my oldest brother, his wife, and their three beautiful and perfectly imperfect children are staying with my husband, son, and myself this weekend. My son turns one on Monday! We are having a birthday party for him later today! It will just be immediate family, because I want it to be low stress for me and also for my baby boy.

Tonight after all the kids went to bed, my husband, brother, sister-in law, and I put up a happy birthday banner and hung some balloons in the house. We have noisemakers for the big kids (i.e. my two nephews and my one niece). My home is full of love and so is my heart.

Oh, I am exhausted though! Four kids total in my house, even with four adults is a lot!! Kudos to all those parents out there!!

In the back of my mind I know this may be my one and only chance to celebrate my son’s birthday. I hope that I get to spend 50 more with him. I will settle for as much as I can get though.

Well, readers. This post is not going to qualify to be posted for the NYTimes. Which, is definitely a dream of mine! If I had a bucket list, it would possibly be on it.

Although, let’s be honest – my bucket list is just being with my husband and baby boy. At the end of the day they are IT for me.

I hope that if I do burn out bright and leave my baby too soon, you will all tell him how much I loved him. I plan on writing letters to him for when he is older telling him how much I love him, but I don’t know if I will have it in me. It may be too hard and too painful.

So dear readers, if you can – tell my baby boy I loved him more than anything in the whole wide world. I loved him before I knew him. I’ve loved him my whole life and I will love him for eternity even after I am gone. My heart bursts open with love for him.

I cry as I write this, because how could I not. But, thats OK. That’s raw and real and that’s life. I didn’t know that this was where this blog was going. But like I said, I’m rolling with it and I’m leaning in. I don’t give a fuck. I don’t have time for pretense. And I no longer care. It’s so freeing.

OK back to my son. I love him. I alway have and I always will. He will be one on September 2nd. And I will be there for it. And for that I am so grateful.

Alright, my dear friends. Love and light to you all and forever. Until next time.